Yesterday was not one of my finer moments. Not by a long shot. In fact, by mid-day I had gone from blue funk to complete meltdown mode. Tears, headache, stomach in knots... it was ugly.
Truth be told, I've been teetering on the edge of this little meltdown for months. Too much work and not enough play (let me rephrase that: not any play) has left me exhausted and feeling both shattered and so, so isolated and deflated.
And all of this, JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!
I had wanted this Christmas to be different than all the years past when I seemed to barely be able to cram in all the decorating and gift buying and other preparations because work was taking up such a huge part of my life.
This year, I had wanted to make sure that I took the time to enjoy the season. Even if I didn't put up a tree (just asking for trouble with 1-year old Scout on the loose), I wanted to put up the garland and wreaths and candles and all the other little holiday touches that make the house sparkle.
I wanted to entertain - to actually have some friends over and enjoy the company of the people who are most important to me.
I wanted to take the time to put up lights outside and drive through the neighborhoods looking at the decorations that others have done.
I wanted to plan a caroling party - complete with Christmas cookies and hot chocolate and voices raised in celebration of the season.
I wanted to spend the evenings sipping hot cider and curling up with a good book.
Instead, I am spending the evenings sucking down pots of coffee, with laptop and calculator at the ready, trying to complete all of the work assignments that I have, and not knowing how on earth it's all going to get done. There are no decorations put up; no lights hung or garlands gracing my door frames or railings. There will be no Christmas cards sent this year. No cookies will be baked. No caroling party planned. There is just not enough time that I can eek together away from that which I spend working, to make any of those things happen this year.
The house looks like a tornado hit it: piles of paper everywhere that I haven't had the time or the inclination to sort through; laundry piled in the baskets - folded, but not put away (why is it that I do that?); refrigerator empty - leaving me with some truly ridiculous concoctions for dinner (not any of which are even remotely healthy, that I can pretty much guarantee you); a list of chores a million miles long that makes me want to cry when I look at it.
The thing is, this isn't new. I've been here before... to this place of anxiety, resentment and dispair. I'm just not very good at making lasting changes for moving through it.
Every time I get to this place of utter hopelessness and overwhelm, I swear that I will make the changes that need to be made so that I don't have to go through this again. In the past, I've put these changes in terms of what I need to BE (more organized, more disciplined) or DO (get up at 4:30 a.m. so that I have a few extra hours in the day to accomplish what needs to get done) so that my life will change.
I have always operated from the position that whatever I was being or doing was not enough. I feel like a hampster on a wheel to nowhere - running really, really fast, and not making any progress.
I divide my time between doing my interior design work, and freelance consulting work - and for quite some time now, the consulting work has taken up the vast majority of my time. I will be the first to admit that I am relying on the consulting work to pull me through the economic downturn.
While I am trying very hard not to participate in the recession, it would be a lie to say that my life and mindset have not been affected by it. Although I've been relatively successful at not letting the fear overtake my life, it lurks in the background,a constant companion.
Yesterday, while talking with Lisa (yea for coaches!), she helped me come to the realization that the way that I am charging for my time (or not charging for it, as the case may be), is creating a lot of resentment and stress. I know that I need to go into 2010 with a much clearer commitment to what I will charge, what I will do, how and where I will do it, for the consulting work.
The same is true for the design work.
I need to stop thinking of myself as an employee, and start thinking of myself as the CEO of my businesses, and my life. The only problem is, I'm not exactly sure how to make that happen.
I would love to have your help with any suggestions that you may have for how to work through this so that I can make some of the lasting changes that I need to make. Certainly it starts with mindsets. I know that. I'm just finding myself terribly stuck with how to execute against a mindset change in a way that is permanent.
Any any "getting things done" tips for the completely overwhelmed are more than welcomed, too!
Thanks all... you're the best!
There are 31 days left in 2009.
31 days left in a year that nearly consumed me (but didn't).
31 days left in a year to which I will be more than happy to say goodbye.
What is astounding to me is that I will be saying goodbye with gratitude, rather than with self-doubt, anger or resentment. More gratitude, in fact, than I ever thought possible.
As they say, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger -- and I will be entering 2010 much, much stronger than I left 2009. Stronger and wiser and infinitely more clear about my priorities, direction and intentions. And for that, I am profoundly grateful.
Every once in a while, you get a really big chance in life. The kind where you just know that what you're doing is important, and that you are a part of something magic.
Recently, I had the great honor to watch that magic happen. I got to see how the amazing partnership that Bernie Berlin and her A Place to Bark Animal Rescue and the Anti-Cruelty Society of Chicago works. This is a program that has been created to ensure a win-win situation for the hundreds of dogs that Bernie rescues and delivers to the ACSC for adoption each year.
On the day that I met her at the ACSC, Bernie was delivering 38 dogs... and as I watched them process each of the dogs through -- get them all entered into their system, and housed in their kennels at the ACSC, I was profoundly struck by the intensity of the caring that every single person, whether staff member or volunteer, showed to each other, and to the dogs.
Understandably, many of the dogs are frightened as they go through the intake process. Yet despite the vast number of dogs that needed to be taken in that day, every single person took time to try to calm the dogs down; to offer some comfort and encouragement. The depth of genuine love and caring for these animals absolutely took my breath away.
Bernie's A Place to Bark rescue can be thought of as a form of triage -- hers is a pilot program that provides a critical "missing link" in the rescue world -- a place where dogs (and some cats!) that have been lost, neglected, abused, or abandoned, can have the time they need to heal; to recover both physically and emotionally, so that by the time they are brought to the ACSC, they are very adoptable. The minimum length of stay at A Place to Bark is 3 weeks (and often its much longer) for those dogs who need special care. They receive all the veterenary care that they need, along with huge doses of love and affection.
The real magic, though -- and I am sure the true healing potion -- is in watching Bernie with the dogs. There is such a strong connection between her and the animals -- and it is so pure -- so genuine -- that there's no denying that she is doing exactly what the good Lord intends her to do in this life. It is truly a joy to watch her.
Each dog is special to her, and she remembers the story of each one. And each dog -- oh my -- each one of them responds to Bernie as if she were sent from Heaven for them (which, I happen to believe, she has been!).
At a place where you might think that the sound of laughter is sparse -- you would (happily!) be wrong. One of the most wonderful things about Bernie and the ACSC staff is that everyone has a great sense of humor. On the day that I was there, Bernie had brought "Frito" a little Chihuahua up with her. All dressed up in his little green sweatshirt, Frito captured everyone's heart almost instantly.
How could you not love that little guy? What everyone soon discovered, though, was that Frito was quite a smooth operator (check out his moves in this next picture!)...
Next week, Bernie will be bringing up the Puppy Brigade... 58 puppies are scheduled to be on the transport to the Anti-Cruelty Society in Chicago... and each one of them will have the very best chance at life -- and of being adopted, because of the incredible partnership that has been established between A Place to Bark and the Anti-Cruelty Society.
This holiday season -- as you may be thinking about what to get that person who has everything -- please consider making a donation to A Place to Bark on their behalf. This year, A Place to Bark is on track to save the lives of over 600 dogs... your help in that process is priceless.
geneva, il ~ tucked away in a barn, lovely hydrangea
I have decided to buck popular culture and actually do the unthinkable.
Celebrate one holiday at a time.
Crazy, I know. But I thought I'd throw caution to the wind this year and see what it felt like to actually experience each of the Fall and Winter holidays. ONE. AT. A. TIME.
Yes, clearly I have gone off the deep end.
I think the ultimate tipping point for me was when the retailers started putting Christmas stuff out before Halloween had even arrived. There was just something so very wrong about that in my mind.
So this year, I am refusing to participate in the insanity. Just not going to do it.
Thanksgiving was lovely. Nothing was rushed, the focus was on family and enjoying our time together, and on sharing the bounty that we are so fortunate to have. And now I am enjoying these last few days of November without putting a bunch of unnecessary pressure on myself to HURRY UP AND GET THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP AND GET THE GIFTS BOUGHT AND GET THE CARDS WRITTEN AND SENT AND AND AND AND AND...!
I've decided to put into play a little technique that Martha Beck calls the "shackles on/shackles off" test. Basically what you do is evaluate anything you think you "have" to do by assessing whether it feels like "shackles on" (heavy and mired in obligation), or "shackles off" (light and freeing and energizing). If it's a "shackles on" feeling, I'm not doing it.
Or, as my coach says, "If it's not a HELL YES! it's a HELL NO!"
Case in point: After 30 years of sending cards to everyone and their brother (and making myself crazy trying to find exactly the right card with exactly the right message -- and then putting together a really creative little "holiday update"), this year I have decided to take the year off from cards. Honestly, I doubt anyone will notice -- but even if they do, right now sending cards doesn't feel like something I would be doing out of love -- it feel slike something I'd be doing out of obligation. So off the to do list it goes.
This year I decided that I'm not buying gifts for any adults. This decision isn't being made because I don't want to be generous, but because I feel like we, as a society, have become entirely too consumed by the need to buy, buy, buy. Instead, I will make a substantial donation to one of my favorite charities A Place to Bark Animal Rescue. Not only does this decision feel completely freeing and very "shackles off", but as I've floated a few "trial balloons" with the idea around to friends and family, it's been met with resounding acceptance.
Go me! Seriously. So much pressure relieved.
For all the kids in my life, I am following a slightly different, but similar theme. Instead of making myself crazy worrying about getting them just exactly the right toy or video game or whatever (knowing full well that within a week it will have either been broken, forgotten or lost), I'm going to be giving the each a "special day with Auntie Lynne". They'll each get to spend a full day with me, doing whatever it is that they would really, really like to do. It might be going to a play, or to a sporting event or the zoo or even just taking the train to downtown Chicago and roaming the city with our cameras (I'm thinking that my nephew, the budding photographer, may want to do something like that).
I want to give them an experience they'll remember -- not some silly toy or game that doesn't mean anything. At this point in my life -- with the world undergoing some pretty big changes, and people re-thinking so many things -- this seems like exactly the right thing for me to be doing.
This year, I've decided that I'm not going to put up a tree. Not because I don't love Christmas trees, or because I think its too much of a hassle to do -- but because I think I will be infinitely less stressed if I don't have to worry about Scout eating the ornaments off the tree or just knocking the whole thing over because he's bouncing around, playing with one of the other dogs. Will it be weird not having a tree? Maybe. Will I be much more relaxed knowing that there is one less potential opportunity for havoc to be wrought this year? Absolutely! Definitely shackles off.
So while I'm not doing all these things, what WILL I be doing?
Trying to focus on slowing down a bit. On enjoying the people who are around me -- my friends, my family. On taking time for activities that I never seem to be able to make time for, but always want to do... having friends over for dinner... baking... taking drives in the evening to look at the Christmas lights... walking with the dogs in the brisk winter weather... taking a step back to take stock of where I am, what I want, and set my intentions for 2010...
All those things will be possible because I won't be succumbing to obligations, but instead will be steering my own little ship in a way that makes me less crazy (and crabby), and infinitely more happy.
One holiday at a time.
Care to join me?
I have spent a lot of time looking up this year.
Sometimes searching. Sometimes questioning. Sometimes praying. Sometimes pleading.
Often times simply in awe.
My journals from this year are filled with notes and observations; reflections and repentance; promises and possibilities; gratitudes and grace notes -- all of which are the result of that time looking up. But the thing that strikes me the most about these entries is how many details they contain about what makes my life feel rich beyond measure.
On this Thanksgiving Day, I thought I'd take a moment to share some of that with you:
LIBERTY, ELLIE & SCOUT (& LOGAN)
Every day -- but especially on the tough days, these three furry little beings have brought more love, joy and laughter to my world than I could have ever imagined. They have kept me sane when insanity seemed the much easier and more expedient option; they have helped to soften life's harder edges, and they've amplified life's joys ten-fold. I am truly blessed to have them, and to have had 10 beautiful years with Logan, who taught me so much about bravery, tenacity and love.
KAITLIN
My goddaughter is spending this first semester of her Senior year at Northwestern in Paris, taking part in an amazing opportunity to study abroad. While I'd love to be able to say that I'm not at all envious, that would be a lie. What I can truthfully say, is that she is a true inspiration.
What is most inspiring about her is the way she's embracing her time in France. At 21, she's out there, arms wide open, ready to embrace all of the sights, sounds, tastes and textures of the French culture and country. I read her tweets, Facebook entries and blog posts, and am in awe of her ability to be fully present and alive and in the moment.
My little girl - the one who would stand next to me on a stool in the kitchen and baking birthday cakes for my brother (and loading on the frosting extra thick - which he still talks about 15 years later!); the one who loved all things glitter laden and sparkly; who would sit for hours with me while we decorated a teeny tiny Christmas tree for her Barbie dolls; who took her first cable car ride with me in San Francisco and who needed to find a restroom every 15 minutes (I am not kidding) -- that little girl has grown up into an incredible young woman. She inspires me every day with her curiosity, her courage, her intelligence, her wit and her wisdom. And I am incredibly grateful to have her in my life.
MY FAMILY & FRIENDS
This has been an incredibly difficult year for me, and yet through it all, my friends and family have continued to be there for me; to love me and support me, even when I have not been able to step up and do the same for them. I am and always will be eternally grateful for their acceptance and caring.
CHRISTINE KANE
This is one of the wisest women I know. Over the past year, her words of wisdom and encouragement have provided both a lifeline and a launching pad for me. I am truly grateful for her coaching, her compassion and her commitment to shining. Thank you, Christine, from the bottom of my heart.
THE FREEDOM TO CHOOSE
While this may seem obvious to many, over this past year I have finally started to really be aware of, understand and be grateful for the power that lies behind the freedom to choose.
It has been a true epiphany to realize that I can stop living on auto-pilot and start living consciously; intentionally.
I get to choose how I show up in the world each day. Good or bad, happy or sad, it's my choice. And on those days when I'm not necessarily making the choice from my wisest, highest self, I get the chance to choose again. And again. And again. The power of that knowledge... the power of it in action... has been life changing.
PLENTY & FALLOW AND THE GIFT OF CONTRAST
I am grateful for my growing ability to be present to the the ebb and flow of life. I'm making better choices about how to live my life because I am finally realizing that it is how I manage these times of plenty and times of fallow that will ultimately determine my happiness and success in the world.
GRACE
There are countless grace notes for which I am grateful that are sprinkled throughout my days...
I hope that each and every one of you has a lovely Thanksgiving!
I am very fortunate to have come from a gene pool that runs deep with creativity. While many credit my mom for contributing the lion's share of the talent in that area, I would argue that my dad was also quite creative... he just manifested it differently than she did. In any event, my two brothers and I have been the beneficiaries of a healthy amount of God-given creativity, a can-do attitude, and (thankfully) the skills and abilities to execute our ideas... so when holidays like Halloween come around, creativity definitely rules the day!
I just had to share (and brag about!) the costumes that my brother Mark created for my nieces and nephew this year. It never ceases to amaze me how clever he is! According to my sister-in-law, the kids are beyond excited (and who could blame them?)!
Seriously -- how cute are they?! Here's to my brother, and to continuing to raise the Halloween costume bar, year after year!
Lately, I find myself being particularly distressed by the lack of basic civility and respect that should (I think) be a part of the American political dialog. The 24/7 media, with its focus on hyping the extremes that make headlines and I guess, ultimately sell the news (operative word here being sell), is certainly largely to blame. But what has really surprised me is the amount of vehemence with which some of my friends attack any opinion that they do not personally share.
I am all for a good debate; one in which both sides are respectfully given an opportunity to share their opinions, thoughts and supporting facts. Frankly, there's nothing I love more than a spirited debate among people with differing opinions. What I am getting profoundly tired of, though, is listening to the attacks, the rhetoric, and people griping (often screaming at the tops of their lungs, and using lots of exclamation points!!!) about what's wrong with "the other guy" (because this is definitely a bi-partisan problem!), without offering up any alternative, workable solutions.
Here's a newsflash. We're all "the other guy." At one point or another, we will all be "that guy" -- the one on the "wrong" side of popular political opinion. So how about if we all try to treat each other with a little respect?
Here is what I would truly love the people of our country to do. Step back. Take a deep breath. And then make your next words ones that are not fighting words. Because seriously... we do not need any more fighting. We do not need any more hatred. And perpetuating the divisiveness that is quickly creating a dangerous fault line in the foundation of the American spirit is not going to solve anything.
This isn't some Pollyanna approach to politics. Yes, we have some very big issues and some very big differences that we need to work through as a country. But here's an idea: let's actually try to work through them, rather than spending all of our time blaming and criticizing, okay? Just a thought that's probably worth a try, because clearly, the current approach isn't working.
How do you make sure that sassy little Aussie becomes yours? Watch and learn, my friends, watch and learn...
First, you pretend to let her win at wresting...
Then you wait by her side... at the ready in case she needs a hand tackling a big 'ol Rottweiler that weighs 5 times as much as she does...
Then you show her how fast you are -- and you go chase that big 'ol Rottweiler...
You go for the laughs. Really, how could anyone resist a dog who can find THE ONE mud hole on an entire 9 acres of property? She is certain to be impressed by that!
And who could blame you for trying? Because seriously -- don't we make just the cutest pair EVER? Clearly, she is meant to be mine.
Love,
Scout
